Every year you buy your gifts for all your loved ones. But then you freeze in horror. you also have to buy a gift this year for some of the people you hate! Ugh! You can’t stand him/her/them. But you can’t be openly hostile about it and send them a glitter bomb, otherwise they’ll know exactly how you feel.
Instead you need to disguise your disdain with a great passive aggressive gift. These are the 6 best passive aggressive gifts this year. Do keep in mind that your individual situation may warrant something not on this list, such as high speed internet for your Amish cousin or steaks for your vegan neighbours, but these ones are surefire all purpose gifts that will work in every situation. So here they are:
6 Great Christmas Gifts for Your Enemies
#6 That thing they gave you last year.
Especially if it’s a slightly worn sweater or a chipped mug. Bonus points if there’s a bit of residue in the mug from the last time you used it. But not too much that it makes you look bad. Ideally you should try to break at least 2 of the 7 regifting rules.
#5 If they have children, anything that makes noise.
The louder the noise the better and the sturdier the toy the better. If the toy is too fragile, it will only last a month tops, but if it is sturdy it will take a lot more effort for your enemies to destroy it. Bonus points if it makes noises when it’s left alone.
#4 A 2009 calendar.
Make sure the artwork is really lame so that they know your excuse of “I thought you’d like the pictures” is completely hollow.
#3 A 6 month Moss of the Month Club subscription. Need I say more?
#2 Fruit cake.
In a stunning upset, fruit cake is no longer #1 on the passive aggressive gift index. We’re sure it will be back next year, but for now it’s stuck at #2. The best way to give a fruitcake does take some preparation though. Our sources tell us you need to buy it on sale at Walmart just after last year’s Christmas.
#1 A Peloton bike.
This gift is specifically for the woman in your life that you just can’t stand. Don’t want to break up with her? Give her one of these exercise bikes and tell her she has to use it for a year and her gift next year will be the weight she lost. That way she’ll break up with you. Be careful though, because this could lead to her landing a gig promoting Ryan Reynolds’s gin…