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Christmas gift

Every year you buy your gifts for all your loved ones.  But then you freeze in horror.  you also have to buy a gift this year for some of the people you hate!  Ugh!  You can’t stand him/her/them.  But you can’t be openly hostile about it and send them a glitter bomb, otherwise they’ll know exactly how you feel.

Instead you need to disguise your disdain with a great passive aggressive gift.  These are the 6 best passive aggressive gifts this year.  Do keep in mind that your individual situation may warrant something not on this list, such as high speed internet for your Amish cousin or steaks for your vegan neighbours, but these ones are surefire all purpose gifts that will work in every situation.  So here they are:

6 Great Christmas Gifts for Your Enemies

chipped mug

#6 That thing they gave you last year.

Especially if it’s a slightly worn sweater or a chipped mug.  Bonus points if there’s a bit of residue in the mug from the last time you used it.  But not too much that it makes you look bad.  Ideally you should try to break at least 2 of the 7 regifting rules.

child megaphone

#5 If they have children, anything that makes noise.

The louder the noise the better and the sturdier the toy the better.  If the toy is too fragile, it will only last a month tops, but if it is sturdy it will take a lot more effort for your enemies to destroy it.  Bonus points if it makes noises when it’s left alone.

Cat calendar

#4 A 2009 calendar.

Make sure the artwork is really lame so that they know your excuse of “I thought you’d like the pictures” is completely hollow.

moss of the month

#3 A 6 month Moss of the Month Club subscription.  Need I say more?

fruitcake

#2 Fruit cake.

In a stunning upset, fruit cake is no longer #1 on the passive aggressive gift index.  We’re sure it will be back next year, but for now it’s stuck at #2.  The best way to give a fruitcake does take some preparation though.  Our sources tell us you need to buy it on sale at Walmart just after last year’s Christmas.

Peloton bike

#1 A Peloton bike.

This gift is specifically for the woman in your life that you just can’t stand.  Don’t want to break up with her?  Give her one of these exercise bikes and tell her she has to use it for a year and her gift next year will be the weight she lost.  That way she’ll break up with you.  Be careful though, because this could lead to her landing a gig promoting Ryan Reynolds’s gin

CommunicationMarketingSEOUncategorized

Dictionary

One of the most confusing parts of working with a digital marketing company is understanding what in the world they’re telling you.  It ends up sounding like they’re telling you to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.

John Cleese
If you’ve never seen Monty Python’s Airplane Pilot sketch, you definitely need to.

Or in the words of the great John Cleese, “The scransoms above your head are now ready to flange. Please unfasten your safety belts and press the emergency photoscamps on the back of the seats behind you.”

To that end, I’ve compiled a short list of 13 of the most common digital marketing words.  Hopefully it helps you make sense about what the marketing experts are telling you.

 

Backlink – A link from someone else’s website to yours.  If it’s a reputable website this link will increase your search result rankings.

Bounce Rate – the percentage of people viewing your website who leave after only seeing one page.

Conversion – Someone who performs an action as a result of viewing your website or ad.  Such as signing up for a mailing list, taking a survey, buying a product, etc.

CTR – Click-through rate.  The percentage of people who see your site somewhere (usually search engines) that actually click through to your website.

Follow/No Follow – Whether or not search engines will follow a backlink to your website, boosting your rankings.

Keyword – a word or phrase that internet users search for on search engines.  The more specific the term, the more valuable it is since people searching for something specific are more likely to click through to relevant sites.

Remarketing – Advertising that targets people who have already interacted with your website.

Schema – A way of telling search engines what all the content on your website is.  Such as the title, author, and/or ratings and reviews of your website or products.

SEO – Search Engine Optimization.  In other words, ensuring that Google and other search sites

SERPS – search engine results pages.  Where the results for a search show up.  Ranking higher on a SERP means that you show further up on the results page.

Sitemap – a file that lists all of the urls for a site.  Search engines can read these to find urls they wouldn’t otherwise know about.

Tags – Tags can refer to two different things.  In blogging it refers primarily to relevant words or phrases to your article so that people interested in those things can find similar blog posts.  In SEO it refers to things like the title of your page, metadescriptions, headings, alt-text, no-follow tags, etc.  Don’t worry if you don’t know what those are.  Part 2 of this series will have a lot of the most common tags in it.

Phone bookWeb Directory – a website that provides lists of other websites.  Most directories require manual submissions of entries and usually include more details like contact information.  They are the easiest way to build up backlinks.

 

If there are any terms you’ve heard before and you have no idea what they mean, let me know and I can include them in a part 2.